page from a notebook found in an alleyway

heart opening again. resistance to what is breaks– am able to be, suddenly; see clearly, as with new eyes, dynamic with L_ and D_ the role i’ve created for myself with their support– all blinded by the intensity of the experience, fear, expectations. but this clears, like blindness lifting, like clouds parting and the sun there to pour light on everything glistening and vibrant. and preceding this the repressed memory of G_ through the ice– when it was brought up earlier I barely remembered, as if another person. all came flooding back while we lay in bed watching wonder pets save baby platypus– could barely handle the experience of remembering, all the feelings so strong returned and some anger– somehow this led forward to how i always am with daughter and wife. how one can be a real asshole with the best intentions, while thinking one is a great guy, like P_ and many other fathers– but instead of getting down and guilty, riding the truth, feeling it all, feeling it all come down inside and shooting out the rip curl into presence, the blessing of now. but there was more, there is: started thinking of all these teachers, all my teachers, that dmt/ayahuasca vibe, that someone set this all up, in this case coming from some naive childlike place, my father (more like Pater Noster); that he orchestrated all these things because he loves me so much, when it isn’t him but Him, holy, divine order, the never ending blessings brought before us, put before us so we can realize this mystery– to think he set up the journey to that town, that it was all a set up, that he orchestrated the conspiracy of family and friends to help snap me out of it; perhaps the only conspiracy is the universe, the all, conspiring to love us, to open our eyes again like newborns in an old world one time more to say goodbye. and rise!

Tagged as: found writing, heart opening